So far this month has been incredibly warm and full of lovely Autumnal days. Eva and I have been on a few walks collecting leaves and made our leaf garland. Unfortunately, last week Eva got tonsillitis so the whole time she did little more than sleep whilst I worried about her. Inbetween that, Martin has gotten his gate installed. I planted our Leylande Cyprus hedge and today I planted my Acer Palmatum Rising Sun and 3 different Hydrangeas. Obsessed. With. Hydrangeas! Today, Eva had a little photo shoot instead of the mums and tots group we go to on a Thursday they had a photographer in and gave everyone slots instead of the usual morning group because its the October break. Lets hope the pics look good, I think Eva just looked very tired!
I can't believe next Monday Eva will be one! Next week is going to be so much fun, Martins going to be off the Monday and Tuesday. Then next weekend there are loads of Halloween things on so cannot wait to investigate our local Oktoberfest here in East Lothian.
Hello, my name is Brigid and I ... actually am not feeling 100%
God, had the dreaded first PND counselling session today. Thankfully it wasn't too difficult and was really helpful for me. It's scary to admit you aren't coping as well as you would like. I found within two weeks I had to go to my GP and let it all out to her in a big ugly mess. She gave me anti-depressants that were safe while breastfeeding, but the thoughts and feelings continued never the less.
The lady I saw was really nice, her name was Jill. Eva came along with me and they had a creche facility I could safely leave her in. She really enjoyed all the new toys and 3 ladies fussing over her! She has had so much fun while her mummy had some necessary re-adjustment time.
Eva is feeling much better and is back to being a no naps baby. She got up late today at 8.30 and hasn't napped until now though I have tried. When she was sick all I had to do was lie her in the cot and her eyes would close and she was like one of those babies you see in films that just go to sleep. I thought babies like that didn't exist but obviously Eva is only going to be like that when she isn't feeling well and is utterly exhausted. Clearly standing up in the cot and turning her Hello Kitty projector on is much more fun than having a nap.
teeny tiny baby Eva
I hope she is going to sleep so we don't have a grumpy baby for the rest of the day. Clearly having any plans for the day is out of the window anyhow. I have to stay in for an organic veg box delivery and Eva's birthday present (lion recliner chair) are both due around 4-5pm.
I miss being pregnant. For all the miserable moment I had with PGP and everything else, at the end of the day I enjoyed feeling pregnant. Like I was cocooning this little life inside me and preparing it for the outside world, such a comforting feeling. As soon as Eva was born I felt empty, and from then on it was such a scary, lump in your throat anxiety because your heart is no longer inside your body but outside of you where you can't really 100% look after it anymore. This baby girl was the embodiment of my love, and for all those who didn't understand my 'over-protectiveness' - this is my best explanation for it. Even when my family came to visit Eva and I in hospital I couldn't let anyone hold her. I feel bad about this now but at the time she was like a physical limb just severed from me and I had an ache and a fear that I couldn't explain to anyone. I had this perfect little baby angel in my arms from then on.
Now, Eva is going to be one in a weeks time. I feel confident I have allowed her to find her independence on her own, I have always held her closely and allowed her to experience the world at her own pace and not forced her to be on her own. It was always an instictive thing this mothering experience, and my god I have felt the worst anxiety this past year, like I didn't think it was possible.
However I am finding space in my heart, and a certain yearning to add to my family. It took us a long time to conceive with Eva. A whole 5 years after our first loss. I found the only way to try was to be more relaxed and approach life with a more holistic approach.
All through my pregnancy I meditated daily and used aromatherapy to relax, instead of the usual glass bottle of wine I was accustomed to. My intention was to have a hypnobirth and try and manage labour without any 'pain relief'. Unfortunately, because my waters broke on Friday the 19th and my contractions hadn't begun in earnest, the hospital I attended thought it would be safer to induce me on the evening of the 20th. At 10pm the process began and at 6.04am I gave birth to Eva. I have already forgotten the pain, which I had never tried to anticipate anyway as I wanted to relax and find a space in my head to go to and breathe through. But it didn't work and I had gas and air when I was 6cm dilated and I think dihydrocodeine. Other than that I don't think I had anything else. (correct me if I'm wrong, but I hadn't slept for days since my waters broke and to be honest medication wasn't my main concern)
Toward the end of my labour, when I began pushing I was so concerned I was going to lose this baby. I had it in my head that what I felt was similair to my miscarriage and I just thought that I was never going to be blessed with a child. Thank God everything went ok. I pushed with all my strength and after half an hour Eva was in my arms at 6.04am on the 21st of October 2012. My 26th birthday, the best most appropriate day for a birthday, ever.
I am feeling properly emotional this week and it feels good to get it out! I am so happy I have my little baby girl, and still so sad for my loss. So glad I have the love of family and friends.
Feeling a little sorry for myself today. Eva on the other hand is feeling perkier, thankfully. The poor babe woke yesterday with a low grade fever and bulging gums. Not one but TWO molars breaking through - who said molars were easier? Yesterday she spent most of the day napping, something she never does and makes a huge hooha about doing. I should have known last night would be rough too. It was. Martin was relegated to the couch with the cat, and me and Eva snuggled on the mattress in the floor, nursing on and off, her getting more sleep than I did. At 7 AM the neighbours went to work and their dog started barking and yowling same as yesterday. Not sure if I should say anything, Martin thinks it might just start things.
13 days till Eva is 1! Also 13 days till I am 27, but Eva's birthday is what counts here. We are having a few members of our families over on the Sunday before Eva's birthday and my sister is baking some cakes, one for a cake smash for Eva to enjoy and us to photograph. The other for eating!
I have been going pumpkin crazy, making everything with pumpkins you can possibly imagine. We traveled an hour and a half to go to a fruit farm in Fife so I could get a white pumpkin - a Ghost Rider. I hear it has red flesh and is very sweet, so that will be fun to cook with when I finish cooking with the orange ones. Today we will be having pumpkin and goats cheese puff pastry parcels and pumpkin and coconut milk soup.
Hopefully tomorrow the babe and I feel well rested enough to head out for some supplies (and more pumpkins?? I heard LIDL has some in now) and maybe a trip to the park. Praying we are ok so at least by Thursday we can get to our group which we have missed for 3 weeks! Terrible isn't it!
Signing off to go hang out washing, its blowing a gale out so should definitely get dry.